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SEE WHERE CURIOSITY WILL GETCHA!!

Friend: Hey I saw pictures of your ex and his fiance....
Queebaby: Really, that's cool.
Friend: He looks happy.... you should check him out.
Queebaby: Well that's good. I'm glad he's happy.

Every bone in my body knew that I shouldn't have looked at those pictures. But, you know how curiosity is.....

Jealousy and envy is a wasted emotion.

Jealousy is a type of anxious insecurity following from the perception of threat to a relation.

It's ingredients are anger, sadness, disgust and insecurity all brought together by the belief that one’s lover has been unfaithful.

For a second, I thought that I was jealous. When in all actuality, what I had a taste of was ENVY!!!

Jealousy is sometimes frequently used to describe what is more properly ENVY...

A fixation on what someone else has..

Jealousy concerns something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy concerns something one does not have and either he wants to acquire (nonmalicious envy) or he wants the other(s) not to have (malicious envy).

Either way, the feeling sucked.

There have been times in my life where I've felt a bit jealous or envious. But, not like this time.

This time...it consumed me. It made me sad. And it's weird because I sooooo want the best for him. I want him to be happy. It's just I'm envious because he has something that seems to keep passing me by. LOVE!!

Pretend that bone in this picture is Love. I am the Big dog and he is the little dog.

This is how I feel. I've never felt this way before. And it hurts. I'm not saying that this is right.

To be honest, I feel it's ridiculous.

I don't date...for many reasons. (here are two)
1: The few exceptions always disappoint me.
2: It's tiresome

I had made a decision a few days ago that I was at least going to try a get out a little more. (Aside from work.) This could be one of my 100 motivational reasons to get out and live instead of waiting for something exciting to happen at home in the living room (which we all know that will never happen). I'm only 25. I prefer to be "homey". In translation....chillin out at home watching movies and/or cooking. That's just what I like.

I have "a friend". Who seriously is a friend. No no...seriously (cause i know what you're thinking). A good person to be around, nice to talk to....sorta, understands me.

I just have to leave it in God's hands and get on with the lovely life he has blessed me with.

It'll fall in place.

But, for now...... I make a vow to myself that I'm going to get out more...enjoy my life...and stop dwelling on things I have no control over.

My thoughts for today.

Peace

FATHER'S DAY

I didn't think that I would survive golf, better yet make it to the WEEKEND. I hope that all of your grandfather's, fathers, husbands and baby daddy's had a blessed father's day.

The Rev. was right. Often, father's go unannounced, unappreciated and overlooked. They are providers. They are protectors. And we should recognize them not only this one day per year but, EVERYDAY. Because they are SCARCE. There are alot of men that are not providers and/or protectors. And if you have one...give them thanks everyday.

My love goes out to all my single mother's on Father's day too. Without those type of hard working women, alot of us would not be where we are today.

Anyway, enough of the sappy stuff. The golf social was better than i thought it out to be. I learned alot. I played horribly. Nonetheless, learned alot. I made a couple of nice shots. So, i'm satisfied. My nice shots helped the team and did not go unnoticed. So, there ya go. I was nervous for nothing.

WHY AM I SO NERVOUS?

One reason is that I have been invited (in other words, drafted) to play at a golf social on behalf of my company. I don't know if I'm nervous because I just down right don't know how to play. Or, if it's because I am the one of three women and the only person of color in the entire company. I'm confused. It's kind of a social gathering. But, I can't shake the fact that most likely...I will be the only dark skinned person there. And I'm in North Carolina where for the last couple of days...average temperatures have peaked at 100 Deg. F to 103 Deg. F. In translation...MAJOR TANNING SITUATION.

My dad plays golf on a regular basis and he's black, Tiger Woods is black...so what the heck am I nervous about? Well, I mainly think that although it is a "social"....some people are very competitive while playing sports and you're always going to have some that are going to be "show-offs". As I would be too if we were playing Billiards, Bowling or Softball. This is completely going to take me waaaay out of my comfort zone. I don't mind learning a new sport...(I'm all for it). But, learning a new sport while shooting the breeze with potential clients who are probably familiar with the sport (if you know what I mean), is not what I'm ready for. And, on top of that...since our company is sponsoring the social, all employees are splitting up to group with potential business. So, there you go.....can't play a lick of golf...I mean...never even picked up a club until last saturday, now I have to go out here and try to politic in 100 degree weather. WTF??

This should be the least of my worries. But, honestly....I've been thinking about it when I'm driving home from work.....I've been thinking about it when I'm relaxing at home........Why am I thinking about this so much. Normally...I don't let things bother me unless it's something that I really and truly care about.

And maybe I truly care about this. Well, not the golf but, actually doing good and impressing people (which I know that I won't this Friday). Since I am different majority of the times when I'm at work...I always try to go above and beyond. Which is good in a sense because I get rewarded exceptionally well, especially for my age. I try and make my mom proud. I do it for me and I do it for my surroundings because I feel and know that as soon as I slip.....someone is going to try and kick me when I'm down. Therefore, STAY UP!

Anyway...I'll probably hit all my golf balls in the trees, sand and little mini lakes that they have around that piece but, oh well. At least I'm trying.

And I guess typing these feelings really made me put alot of the anxiety that I've been having in perspective.

Do my best. Never give up. And keep on slicing the golf balls in the woods.lol